9th May 2017

In other news, Theresa May announced the return of Letters of Marque against the dastardly Continentals and the cruel Turk.

In a special televised announcement on the One Show, May issued Olympic Rower Sir Steve Redgrave with the first letter and waved encouragingly as he set out to plunder a French fishing vessel in his rowing boat.

“I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman,” she declared, “but I have the heart and stomach of a Tory MP”. “Nicholas Soames!” yelled a guttersnipe before he was dragged away by the police.
“God for Harry, England and Prince George”, the crowd yelled as Sir Steve rowed away with a cutlass between his teeth.

Last seen being sucked under the wake of a ferry somewhere around Dogger bank, Sir Steve is remembered as a fine Olympian but a middling Buccaneer. Theresa May was unavailable for comment.